Becoming The Person God Created Me To Be
Part #2 “It’s Only A Flesh Wound”
{We did start this presentation with a clip from Monty Python called the Black Knight, one wonders if this was an appropriate choice even with the two expletives deleted out---http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKhEw7nD9C4 One may concede that they have issues, but they may not consider their issues serious—a mere flesh wound.}
Last time we looked at the great promise of scripture that reveals that for those
Who accept the fact that they are in spiritual peril;
Who believe that Jesus is the only one who can rescue them;
And Who have committed themselves to a lifestyle of
Discipleship.
That God is willing to accept their faith and make them into something new.
2 Corinthians 5:17 (MSG)
Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons!
Then we considered what so often happens as we are trying to live this new life in
Christ.
The issues from our old way, the dead way,
Reaches up out of the grave, grabs us, trips us, and beats us up.
Halting our progress,
Preventing us from becoming the person God
created us to be.
We learned that we all have Issues
Issues are indicators of wounds
Wounds cause pain.
They hurt because they are shaming.
Shame causes us to reject our self
Self rejection drives us into hiding.
Hiding prevents us from presenting our authentic self to God,
which hinders us from our transformation.
Today I want to consider how easy it is to get wounded.
We already know that our wounds eventually result in issues,
which tend to sabotage our relationship with others.
So what I want to concentrate on is how wounds can affect our
relationship with God.
Then finally since we can loose who we really are in all the hiding that we
do to protect ourselves, we’ll look at a disciple of Jesus’ new identity,
the new person God created them to be.
When we go looking for wounding events the place we go first is to childhood,
But we’re not going to turn this into some kind of blame game,
One in which we might be tempted to excuse our wounds by blaming
our parents, or family, or environment.
Neither are we going to dishonor our parents if we discover that they were
the source of our wounds.
If you are a parent and you discover that you have indeed wounded your child, go to them, bring it out in the open,
apologize and ask for forgiveness.
It can be an incredibly liberating experience for the both
of you.
But that’s not the point of this presentation.
We are going to take ownership of our wounds,
And bring them to God so that we can be healed.
We are going to acknowledge our wounds
So that we can be set free to become the person God created us
to be.
In the story of humanity we know that sin has had devastating effect on us.
The result of one act of disobedience brought estrangement from
righteousness to the entire human race.
We are born no longer free to relate rightly to God,
Others, The Earth and even our very selves.
From Adam and Eve we get this ever increasing tsunami of sin crashing through
the generations.
There is a specific type of sin that’s passed down from parent to child.
We can call it intergenerational sin.
We get a glimpse of it from a passage in Exodus.
Exodus 20:5-6 (NIV)
I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand [generations] of those who love me and keep my commandments.
We know that sin has to do with relating wrongly.
Whenever we deter, damage or destroy relationships we have sinned.
The effect of that sin is felt all the way down one’s family tree.
Sins wound
We know that wounds hurt.
We know that hurt people, hurt people.
We know that we tend to unwittingly to hurt those
with whom we are the closest.
The worst wounds, the life scaring wounds,
happen in times when we are most vulnerable.
Our most vulnerable period is during childhood.
It is surprisingly easy to unintentionally wound a child.
If there is intentionality it’s a crime.
You might agree with this statement:
“My parents did the best they could.”
Maybe your parents did well,
Maybe your parents did something else,
Regardless it is a waste of time to blame
our primary care givers for our wounds.
The acorns do not fall far from the family oak.
There are identifiable repetitive patterns of pain in our family trees.
Knowing the first cause may help with clarifying how you came to be
wounded, but it will do nothing to heal the wound.
It’s now up to you to stop being a conduit for sin
And stop hurting the ones you love.
With God’s help you can break the chains of intergenerational sins,
Receive healing for your wounds, deal with your issues,
And get on with becoming the person God created you to be.
As children we believe our parents are all knowing, all powerful.
What they model we learn.
What they tell us we believe.
Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7IY9USneHE
What we model to Children is what they learn,
And they believe that what we communicate to them is the truth.
The parental task is to socialize and civilize the little native.
Proverbs 22:6 (KJV)
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Unfortunately in our society we get more instruction on how to drive a car than we
do on how to parent our kids.
We want to shape and educate but not break the spirit.
But as parents we can Unintentionally Communicate Wounding
Messages that do exactly that.
It is scary easy to send unintentional messages that wound and bring shame.
You see there is a difference between correcting behavior and shaming the person.
Remember kids can’t filter what we say to them.
They believe what we tell them.
Here’s an example
Breakfast time just before school and work and the little kindergartner spills his or her milk, and mom or dad says:
“Oh great, as if I don’t have enough to do.
You are so clumsy and careless,
you’re going to make me late for work.
What a mess.” (Wilson p 38)
Unintentional Message received:
“I’m an inconvenience.” “I am clumsy.” “I am careless.” “I make messes.”
“I am a bother.” (Wilson p 38)
There must be something wrong with me for mom or dad to get
so mad at me.
Realize that one such incident probably is not going to shame the child,
But this type of repeated interaction will.
When parents equate the behavior with the child,
They send an Unintentional Message that has the power to wound and to
shame.
Parents can also send unintentional messages to their kids by simply not being
available to them, by breaking promises to them,
by neglecting them emotionally.
Clip--Hook (1991) The Airplane Scene http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=6593
Kids who have suffered a divorce, the death of a parent, or an absentee parent all
get wounded.
Then there’s abuse.
Child abuse creates the deepest wounds, the most binding of shames.
The worse the abuse the more soul shattering it is.
I’m not going to offer you examples,
Simply know that the degree of abuse and the degree of
the issues abuse cause are directly proportional.
As a child you are discovering who you are through the messages that parents and
significant others are sending you.
Wounding messages distort our idea of who we are.
Wounding messages shame us,
They communicate that we are not lovable, safe, or competent.
That we are unacceptable as we are;
that something is wrong with us.
The wounds we received,
The wounds received especially when we are children
affect our relationship with God.
It’s not all that surprising that it should be so.
The scripture encourages us to relate to God as Father.
Romans 8:15-16 (MSG)
This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children.
Without thinking it through we tend to expect that God will be like our parents.
Growing up there are three questions we unconsciously ask.
We never really put our questions into words but if we did they would be:
Can I Be Safe?
Can I Be Me?
Can I be Accepted?
Can I Be Safe?
The question is really about Trust.
Can the people who are supposed to keep me safe,
Shelter me, clothe me, feed me, love me, do the job?
The baby crying in the night is asking that question.
The thinking isn’t there yet, there are no words,
But the pattern is being laid down.
I’m wet, I’m cold, I’m scared, I’m in pain,
I’m lonely –can you help me?
Is there someone who loves me enough to meet my needs or will I
have to take care of myself?
“If we had consistently competent, trustworthy parents,
Who majored on lovingly meeting our needs
we were apt to conclude that God also could be trusted to know
and meet our needs, care for us, and keep us safe.” (Sandra P. Wilson p 74)
If not then you are not going to put your trust God.
You’ll have this nagging doubt in the back of your mind,
Possibly an unconscious doubt,
That you can not count on God.
The scripture encourages us to count on God.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
But our old wounds can keep us from doing exactly that.
So who you going to trust?
Your self.
“When all your trust and safety ‘eggs’ are in your own basket,
Everything in life centers on you.” (Wilson p 75)
When everything centers on you, we call that egoism.
No wonder you’re having difficulty becoming the person God created
you to be.
Can I Be Safe? Another question unconsciously asked is
Can I Be Me?
This question is about worth.
King David sings:
Psalms 139:13-14 (NIV)
For you
created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…
When you’ve grown up in a family that recognizes uniqueness,
Acknowledges that no one is perfect, that accidents happen,
Values you as a person,
Respects your individuality
And not only allows you to express your authentic needs,
But to expect that the family will work
together to meet those needs.
You tend to develop a biblical view of
self.
You learn that its ok to be you. Flaws included.
You make mistakes, you’re not perfect,
but most things can be fixed, improved and worked on,.
Or simply forgiven so that life remains good.
You learn that you’re not bad or broke,
You’re a work in progress;
Learning, gaining experience, and developing.
We transfer that attitude to our relationships with God.
We can be real with God.
We can make right assessments of our needs,
And bring them to God,
Somehow knowing that He’ll help us through.
We can be honest with our thoughts and our feelings.
We can present real self to Him. (Wilson p 75)
Maybe you weren’t so fortunate to grow up in such an environment.
Again this is not a conscious thought process,
We didn’t logically think through a way to protect ourselves from
being wounded but we did come up with a plan.
Many of us learned that the best way to deal with our needs,
is to eliminate them and
the best way to deal with our flaws is to hide them. (Wilson p 76)
The easiest way to protect myself is to not be myself.
And the best way to not be myself,
Is to avoid knowing who the real me is. (Wilson p 76)
We go into hiding behind perfectionism, performing, pretending or pleasing,
Forgetting who we really are in the process.
As we learned last time from Romans 12:1,
Our reasonable act of worship,
Is presenting our real self to Him,
Warts and all.
If we don’t we default to trying perfect, perform, pretend or please our way into winning God’s favor.
That only leads to frustration, because you have been set up by your
wounds and shame to believe all it will take is a little more
work, a little more effort, a little more
We have this notion, often an unconscious notion,
that God doesn’t really like us for who we are,
but only for what we do,
and we don’t always do well.
That idea is not true.
God seeks to save us not because of what we can do,
But because we are His creation.
Ephesians 2:8-9 (MSG)
Saving is all God’s idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from start to finish! We don't play the major role.
Can I Be Safe? Can I Be Me?
And the last question we are seeking an answer for is:
Can I be Accepted?
This is a question about belonging.
Good parenting requires unconditional love.
You grow up learning that you are loved just because you are you,
And loved even more when you mess up.
You are not cared for, nurtured, protected, cherished,
And esteemed for what you do,
Rather for who you are,
More so, to whom you belong.
I’ve taught you that to be human is to be relational.
Everything rise and falls on relationships.
You and I thrive when we enjoy healthy relationships.
When we are wounded and shamed, we reject our self.
We are afraid others will reject us to.
If I let others get too close they will find me unacceptable and cast me out.
So its back to perfection, performing, pretending and trying to please.
The result is relationships marred by sin.
It is hard to feel secure in a relationship when you reject yourself.
Its hard to receive a compliment and believe it when you reject
yourself.
It’s hard to believe that someone could love you
unconditionally.
We transfer that attitude to our relationship with God,
Believing that God will love me if I do more for Him,
If I never make mistakes,
If I act like I’m a good person.
Basically we believe that we must earn God’s love.
Never realizing that the atonement that Jesus made for us enables us to be
the recipients of God’s unconditional love.
Fear that God will reject you keeps you from becoming the
person God created you to be.
The Apostle John tells us that we need not fear:
That our fear of messing up will mess us up worse than messing up doing
the things God wants us to do.
1 John 4:16-18 (NIV)
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Our parents, and as we grow up significant others,
Act like mirrors, reflecting to us who we are.
But when that reflection is distorted our answers to the questions
Can I Be Safe?
Can I Be Me?
Can I be Accepted?
Are distorted. Wounded and shamed we develop our own plans
to make sure were going safe and accepted, and the real
me gets lost in the process.
What we came to expect from our relationship with our parents and later with our
peers, is also what we come to expect from God.
God will treat us like we’ve always been treated.
To earn God’s love I’ll have to be perfect, perform, pretend and please.
Our wounding and the resulting shame convinces us that we are broken, bad, and unacceptable.
That we can’t trust anyone,
We are worthless,
And we don’t belong.
But that’s not true.
We may still do things that are unacceptable,
But God has made you into a new person.
The old has gone and the new has come.
Now you are safe,
Now you are free to be the real you,
Now you are accepted.
What’s keeping you from fully becoming this new person
is that your have not fully renewed your thinking.
Romans 12:2 (NIV)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
The way you renew your mind is through encounters with God.
You invite those encounters in your practice of the spiritual disciplines:
Bible study, prayer, fellowship, service, worship , obedience, and
contemplation.
That’s your homework—Read them and contemplate on them,
until God convinces you that each statement is absolutely true about you.
There are four categories of statements that are the answers to our Questions
Can I Be Safe; Can I Be Me and Can I Be Accepted.
Those categories are:
I Am Loved, I Am Safe, I Am Significant and I Am Accepted
There are six statements for each category with a corresponding scripture reference.
Here’s what I want you to do.
Take a statement a day and ask God to convince you of the its truth.
Take one a day and ask God to help you come to understand what each truth
means in your life.
Messages that wound and shame have been sent to over and over again,
Convincing you that you’re broken,
Now it’s time to hear the messages of grace and truth,
That set you free to become the person God created you to be.
I am Loved…
I am God’s child (Romans 8:15-17)
I am bought with a price; I belong to God. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
I am chosen. (Ephesians 1:4-5)
I may approach God with freedom and confidence. (Ephesians 3:12)
I am confident that the work God has begun in me will be perfected. (Philippians 1:6)
I am unconditionally loved by God (1 John 9-10)
I am Safe
I am free forever from condemnation. (Romans 8:1-2)
I am assured all works together for good. (Romans 8:28)
I am free from any charge against me. (Romans 8:31-34)
I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Romans 8:35-39)
I am hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3)
I am born of God; the evil one cannot touch me. (1 John 5:18)
I am Significant . . .
I am the salt and light of the earth. (Matt. 5:13-14)
I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit. (John 15:16)
I am a personal witness of Christ's. (Acts 1:8)
I am a minister of reconciliation for God. (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)
I am a saint. (Ephesians 1:1)
I am God's workmanship. (Ephesians 2:10)
I am Accepted . . .
I am God's child. (John 1:12)
I am Christ's friend. (John 15:15)
I am united with the Lord (1 Corinthians 6:17)
I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I have been adopted as God's child. (Ephesians 1:5)
I am a citizen of heaven. (Philippians 3:20)