Secrets To Life Well Lived Part 2 Secrets to Relationships
You know that everything rises and falls on relationships.
When relationships are good life is good.
When relationships turn sour—its hard to find anything sweet in life.
Today I want to tell you the secrets to good relationships.
There are 3 Axioms or guiding principles that you need to activate
in your life if you want good relationships.
Those axioms are Get Right with God
The Golden Rule,
And Give Back Better.
Then there are two secret skills you need to establish and grow good
relationships.
The first skill is listening
The second skill is getting angry.
Finally there are two secret hindrances that cause relationships to crash and
Burn.
The Law of attraction and Misplaced Trust.
I want you to live your life well,
So its my hope that you will leave here today knowing how to do your
relationships well so that you can live well.
Axiom Number One
Get right with God.
God is the source of righteousness.
Righteousness means rightly related,
Or simply right relationship.
God is the source of all righteousness, all relating rightly.
2 Corinthians 5:17-18 (MSG)
Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! 18 All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other.
When you experience being right with God,
God empowers you to be right with others,
And you begin this life long process of
reconciliation and building healthy relationships.
You have the best chance of doing relationships well if you first have
established a right relationship with God.
Do you know how to establish a right relationship with God?
Guiding Principle Number one for dong relationships well is
Get Right With God.
Axiom Number Two:
The Golden Rule-- Give What You Want.
You’ve heard it said to get a friend you have to be one.
That’s the guiding principle here.
Give to others what you would like to get from others.
Jesus put it this way.
Luke 6:31 (MSG)
"Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them!
Be and do to others what you want them to be and do to you,
That creates an environment to attract and grow healthy relationships.
All of us give to others what is inside of ourselves.
We give what we’ve got.
Luke 6:45 (MSG)
Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.
Out of the Heart the mouth speaks ((Matthew 15:18-19)
So how does a person go about changing the inside of themselves,
Replacing the self-centeredness and hate,
With God centeredness and love that you can give away
What you want to receive?
Guiding Principle Number one for dong relationships well is
Get Right With God.
Guiding Principle Number two:
The Golden Rule-- Give What You Want.
Axiom Number Three:
Give Better Than What You Get.
We usually think that if we play fair its good enough.
But playing fair when it comes to relationships will eventually destroy
that relationship.
(Henry Cloud, 9 Things a Leader Must Do, p. 86)
“Fair does not work.” (Cloud 9 Things, p. 89)
Fair is the ancient law Lex Talionis
Leviticus 24:19-20 (NIV)
If anyone injures his neighbor, whatever he has done must be done to him: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. As he has injured the other, so he is to be injured.
[also Exodus 21:22–25, and Deuteronomy 19:21]
“The fault with fairness is that all it takes for any relationship to go
sour is for one person not to perform,
and then the other one will do the same…
deterioration is inevitable.” (Cloud 9 Things, p. 88)
Fair is giving back what’s been given to you.
Jesus tells us—“Don’t play fair.”
Matthew 5:38-42 (MSG)
"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.' Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.
How do you think its possible to live this way,
To give to others better than what they have given you?
Three axioms, three guiding principles for building good relations
Get right with God.
Give what you want.
Give better than what you get.
Activate these axioms in your life and you’ve got a great foundation to build
healthy relationships upon.
The Two Secret Skills For Building Good Relationships
To build on the foundation the axioms lay you need two every important skills.
The two secret skills you need to establish and grow good relationships.
Are listening and getting angry.
Secret Skill Number One
Listen.
Are you hearing me here? Listen.
We tend not to listen.
We tend to be working on what we are going to say next,
Instead of listening.
We tend to be more concerned with being right and proving the other
wrong than we are with listening.
James 1:19 (MSG)
Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.
The skill you will need to do relationships well is being able to listen to the
heart of another person.
You listen to understand where that person is coming from,
What their need is, what they are concerned about.
When you listen to the heart, you can validate their feelings.
Then you can empathize,
you can let them know that you understand how they
feel.
“To empathize and validate what someone is experiencing
does not mean that you always agree or
even think that the other person is right.
It just means that you see it as valid in that it is really their experience,
and true for that person,
and you show them that you understand what they are thinking
and feeling.” (Cloud, Integrity, p. 64)
Once they know that you know because you’ve listened,
You can say what needs to be said.
“People feel cared about, and trust is built, when they know that you have a
genuine interest in knowing them, knowing about them…” (Cloud, Integrity, p. 56)
You are going to have to learn to listen,
If you want to do relationships well.
Secret Skill Number Two
Get Good Angry
I think anger is one of your most misunderstood and misused emotions.
A lot of us fear anger because we’ve seen how destructive out of
control anger can be to a relationship.
There have been far too many times in my life where I allowed my anger to
get out of control and said things I wish I hadn’t,
broke things that didn’t need to be broken,
and made a scene where one was not necessary.
Yet the scripture tells us
Ephesians 4:26-27 (MSG)
Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. 27 Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.
Anger is a God given emotion to help you to preserve and protect good
things, and protest and destroy bad things. (Cloud, Secrets, p. 126-127)
You’ve heard of righteous anger.
Righteous anger gives you energy to stand up for what is good and
right and just. (Cloud, Secrets, p. 127)
When it comes to relationships, anger is your indicator that something you
expect in that relationship has not been met.
There is a relational expectation that has been violated.
When you feel anger, its an indicator that you think
something is not right.
God can give you the power to use your anger for the good.
We normally call it self-control,
But it’s a certain type of self-control,
It’s a self-control that channels the energy of being angry
into taking action to fix what’s wrong and to fix
what’s wrong redemptively.
(Cloud, Secrets, pp. 130-131)
When we attempt to fix what’s wrong redemptively we are trying to
preserve the relationship, we value love, connection, freedom,
intimacy, working together. (Cloud, Secrets, p. 128)
We want to make things better.
Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)
A fool gives
full vent to his anger,
but a wise man keeps himself under control.
People who create and maintain good relationships use anger to help identify
a problem in the relationship,
they use anger energy to face the problem
and seek a redemptive means to rectify the problem.
They deliver up love with limits,
grace and truth,
authenticity and love.
(Cloud, Integrity, p. 192)
They get mad and good.
They do anger well.
Three guiding principles for building good relations
Get right with God.
Give what you want.
Give better than what you get.
Two Secret Skill s for doing relationships well
Listen and Get Good Angry
If you have a history of relational train wrecks,
Where things start out well but you crash and burn,
And please notice we all have those crash and burn experiences,
But if you keep having them,
If you look back and you have lots of crash sites,
There are two possible causes.
We can call them the two secret hindrances to good relationships.
The Law of attraction and Misplaced Trust.
The Law of Attraction
This can be a hard truth to deal with,
It certainly is an eye opener.
“If you keep finding yourself in the same relationship over and over;
And the only thing that changes is the names…
your ‘people picker’ is broken” (Cloud, Secrets, pp. 101-102)
What happens is “Dysfunctional people attract dysfunctional people,
and healthy people attract healthy people.” (Cloud, Secrets, p. 103)
When the fun goes out of dysfunction the relationship is headed
for major conflict.
Ask yourself, in all the relational messes you’ve experienced what is
the common denominator, what has never changed?
It’s you.
We are naturally drawn to certain types of people because of our issues.
Our issues always seek resolution,
So unresolved issues push us to deal with the past in all our
present relationships.
We are also attracted to what is familiar.
If you have a history of being mistreated,
you tend to find people who will mistreat you.
I want you to realize this is all because of sin.
In this case someone sinned against you when you were vulnerable
and now you stuck dealing with the fall out.
Proverbs 13:21 (MSG)
Disaster entraps sinners, but God-loyal people get a good life.
If you feel entrapped by this carousel of relational crisis
Here’s what I suggest you do to overcome this hindrance.
Take responsibility for the mess,
Quit blaming and trying to find fault,
See this as a problem to be fixed,
And know that you are the only one who can
fix it.
Identify your pattern—what usually happens.
Identify the past relational wound.
Discover how you were injured.
Its that original injury that set this pattern of
behavior in motion.
Get the help you need to resolve your issue.
Allow encounters with God by practicing the 7 habits of a
disciple to change the way you see yourself.
Find an accountability person to help you establish a new
normal.
That’s how you will get on the positive side of the law of
Attraction and start drawing in people that will
help you live life well.
The Law of Attraction can work for you or work against you.
You get to decide how you want it to work in your life.
The second hindrance to good relationships is misplaced trust.
Trust is the green light in life.
Trust is the glue in every good relationship.
You trust because you have a confident expectation that things
are going to turn out well.
Trust generates hope.
You trust because you believe you can rely on the integrity,
ability and strength of the other.
Trust generates security.
Trust opens your heart to the other.
“Trust opens the door to love.” (Cloud, Secrets, p. 109)
Trust invites intimacy, generates hpe and security.
But trust also makes you vulnerable.
“Be careful whom you trust.
Misplaced trust can open the door to great misery.” (Cloud, Secrets, p. 110)
Proverbs 12:26 (NIV)
A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
Have you ever trusted someone too quickly,
Only to find that they betrayed your trust?
If you find yourself trusting untrustworthy people you may need to
check back with hindrance number one—
the Law of attraction. (Cloud, Secrets, p. 117)
To protect yourself from trusting too quickly
you need to practice “due diligence.”
Due Diligence—means before you enter into a close relationship with
someone else do your homework.
A fashionable look, a slick speech, a good time,
is not due diligence, “talk is cheap.” (Cloud Secrets, p. 113)
Anyone can put on a good show for a short while.
The talk maybe flattering, it may be persuasive,
but any one can put on a good act.
“Don’t believe what people say.
Believe what they do.” (Cloud Secrets, p. 113)
Seeing what someone does takes time.
Due diligence may require a back ground check.
What’s this person’s track record?
What do his enemy’s say about him?
What do they value?
What are their issues?
Due diligence takes time,
Due diligence requires trust to be earned in degrees.
If you sense the slightest of cringe,
Use that red flag to go even slower.
Finding out who someone is before you get into a significant relationship is
the key to getting into good relationships.
Conclusion:
Here are the secrets you need to know to do Relationships well.
Three guiding principles
Get right with God.
Give what you want.
Give better than what you get.
Two Skills
Listen and Get Good Angry
Deal with the two secret hindrances to good relationships.
The Law of attraction and Misplaced Trust.
Two more questions I want you to answer then we’ll call it a wrap.
What did you learn today?
How are you going to put it into practice?